Guarding the Baby: How Mothers Influence Fathers’ Involvement in Childrearing

By Cynthia A. Frosch, Ph.D.

The idea of maternal gatekeeping is not exactly new. Historically mothers have been the primary caregivers for their children. But times have changed, as have family roles. Many mothers say they want their partners to be actively involved in childrearing. But is this really true? Does a mother’s behavior actively support the father’s involvement? And if so, how?

What does maternal gatekeeping mean for fathers’ involvement?

Dr. Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan of Ohio State University studies family dynamics in couples with young children, with a particular interest in fathers and coparenting behavior—or the ways that mothers and fathers support or undermine each other in the parenting role. One of Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan’s recent studies examined mothers’ gatekeeping—the idea that mothers support or limit their partner’s involvement through their beliefs and behaviors (e.g., doing everything herself or criticizing what her partner does do).

Specifically, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan examined the relationships among mother’s gatekeeping, the quality of the coparenting relationship, and father’s involvement in a sample of families with infants. The researchers looked at both what fathers’ say about their involvement and also how involved they actually were while changing their baby’s clothes with their partner.

One of the most significant findings from this research was that when mothers encouraged fathers more, fathers were reported to be more involved in childrearing. This was true even after taking into account parents’ beliefs about a father’s role AND the overall quality of the couples’ coparenting relationship. In other words, mother’ encouragement really makes a difference in father’ involvement. A second important finding from the study was that when mothers criticize less, what fathers’ believe about their role relates to what they actually do with their baby. In other words, a mother who is critical of the father may actually be interfering with how a father’s beliefs translate into action. So in the face of a critical spouse, although fathers may say they want to be involved, they are actually less involved. Together, Schoppe-Sullivan and her colleagues found support for the idea that mothers’ gatekeeping may indeed shape father’s involvement in childrearing during infancy. Fathers are more involved when mothers encourage more and criticize less.

Gatekeeping in Action: Becoming Aware and Moving Beyond Limiting Behaviors

This article resonated with me as a wife and mother. My reasons for wanting to gatekeep during my son’ infancy had little to do with thinking that my husband was not competent. Quite the opposite, in fact. It was that I thought he was “too” competent in some areas – more competent than me. Like bedtime. My husband could swaddle our son and have him drifting off to sleep in no time. Not me. My fairytale images of me whispering sweet lullabies while rocking a dozing baby rarely happened. Over time, I came to understand the value of actively supporting my partners’ parenting and beliefs — embracing his parenting strengths and gifts instead of feeling that I was somehow less adequate if he was well, so much more than adequate. Almost six years later, the pull of gatekeeping still exists but I am aware of the reasons behind my urges.

As more fathers take on the role of primary caregivers for their young children, I wonder if similar findings regarding fathers’ gatekeeping will be found – is their something unique about mothers’ gatekeeping or is it the primary caregivers’ gatekeeping that draws in or keeps the other parent from being fully involved and congruent in their beliefs and behaviors? Had my husband been the primary gatekeeping, would he have engaged in gatekeeping and if so, how might his gatekeeping have shaped our family experience?

In The READY Method, Margaret Owen and I talk about becoming aware of what we bring to our interactions with our children. Becoming aware of gatekeeping tendencies in ourselves as well as our responses to our partner’s gatekeeping (or lack of gatekeeping) can help us to dive deeper in to the process of knowing ourselves as individuals, parents and partners. Beneath the desire or tendency to gatekeep may be a more deeply held belief or emotion – perhaps like me, that our partners’ competence somehow implies our “less-ness” or incompetence – that him doing more = I matter less. Perhaps the belief is that our partner’s involvement will overshadow our own – the fear that we are replaceable or insignificant. Gatekeeping then, may largely reflect our own internal processes rather than what is best for our children or our families.

Reflecting on Gatekeeping: What Parents and Caregivers Can Do:

• Think about the messages that gatekeeping may send to children as they move beyond infancy.

• Search for the roots of gatekeeping. If my partner is more involved, it means _________ and that would mean ____________, which means ________________. Keep going until you end up at a core issue related to your beliefs and emotions around gatekeeping – the answer may surprise you.

• Care for yourself beyond your role as a parent – respect your gifts and competencies and acknowledge the many ways you contribute to your family and community. Each partner’s contribution is unique; each contribution can matter.

• Recognize that children’s needs change over time and may influence parental involvement. For example, a father may become more involved in feeding a toddler who has weaned from nursing.

• Understand that at different times and in different circumstances, children may want or need one parent more than the other. The challenge is to meet children’s deeper needs for love, security, and connection.

For more information: Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Brown, G. L., Cannon, E. A., Mangelsdorf, S. C., and Szewczyk-Sokolowski, M. (2008). Maternal gatekeeping, coparenting quality, and fathering behavior in families with infants. Journal of Family Psychology, 22. 389-398.

To learn more about Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan, visit: http://ehe.osu.edu/facstaff/hdfs.php?name=sarah%20schoppe-sullivan