Eight Steps To Building Secure Attachment Relationships With Children

A READY Approach for Parents and Childcare Providers
By Cynthia A Frosch, Ph.D.   

1.    Talk about emotions. In The READY Method, we emphasize the importance of emotional communication—using words like happy, sad, mad, excited, etc. in everyday talk with children. Since attachments are emotional bonds, emotion talk can foster security and understanding between adults and children.

2.    View everyday experiences as opportunities to strengthen relationships. Diapering, feeding, bath time, and playtime all offer adults a chance to talk with children, laugh and smile with them, and “tune in” to children’s needs. Repeated experiences of sensitive and responsive care help shape children’s attachment relationships.

3.    Limit transitions. When children experience many transitions in caregiving during the day, they may have more difficulty feeling secure at home or childcare. By limiting the number of transitions (if possible) or smoothing out the transitions that must occur, adults can help children feel secure in their environments. 

4.    Guide, rather than shame behavior. Children develop a sense of competence and worthiness based on interactions with others. When adults shame children’s behavior (How could you do that to me? Why can you never get it right?), they do little to show children other options. Guiding behavior, offering choices, and affirming the child can be more positive approaches to discipline. For example: Rather than “Stop screaming at your sister now. How would you like me to scream at you?”Try:  “Ginny, screaming hurts ears and feelings. If you are mad, you can use your words or ask for my help.” (Or scream into a pillow!)

5.    Read, pretend, & play together. Storybook reading offers adults opportunities to share warm, close interactions with children—experiences that can help build positive relationships. Pretend and play offer opportunities to share emotions, conversation, and physical closeness.

6.    Think about your own feelings about relationships; Care for yourself. Valuing yourself is a key step to valuing a child and ultimately to building positive relationships with those around you. Regardless of the kinds of relationships you had with your own parents or caregivers, you can form secure relationships with children. It takes awareness and understanding on your part. 

When you care for yourself—even if only briefly each day—you are acknowledging the importance of your own well being for the well being of your child or the children you care for each day. If taking care of yourself seems like an impossible task, begin by taking one minute each waking hour to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and visualize how you would like to interact with your child. This “conscious” step to parenting or caregiving can make a difference. 

After a busy day, again, give yourself a chance to restore before caring for your children. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, even if just for one minute, before picking up your children from child care or walking into your home. The time you take to “center” yourself may help you guide, rather than shame, a child’s behavior, respond with empathy and care, rather than with impatience and hostility, and enable you to stay calm during a challenging situation, instead of letting it escalate into a power struggle.

7.    Identify a child’s temperament and needs and adjust your caregiving style accordingly. Children who prefer regular routines and lots of time in between activities may do best with a more structured, predictable schedule and fewer activities during the day. Instead of going to the park, the grocery store, the library, and to a friend’s for a playdate, consider sticking to naptime and mealtime at home and choosing one or two activities for the day. By comparison, a child who is more active, sociable and outgoing may do best with frequent visits to a local playground, involvement with a playgroup, and ample opportunities for more physical play.

8.    Communicate with teachers, other parents, and family members. If your child is experiencing something at home or school that may be affecting her behavior, let the adults who care for her know. The extra time or attention that they can provide during times of growth and change can make a difference.

Get READY!