Play Ball! What Kids in Sports Want from Their Parents and Coaches

By Cynthia A. Frosch, PhD

I attended the Society for Research in Child Development conference this year in Denver, Colorado. Over 6500 attended the event and learned about the latest research on children’s development. As I walked around the exhibit hall, a certain poster caught my eye. The poster, presented by Dr. Jens Omli of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota, was entitled “Kids Speak: Child Preferences for Coach and Parent Behavior at Youth Sport Events.” Now, having tried out the role of soccer mom with my son when he was 3 and 4, I was particularly intrigued by the title. Talking to Dr. Omli, he quoted former Major League Baseball player, Earl Wilson:

“For the parents, a Little League game is a nervous breakdown divided into innings.”

That’s how I felt about each week’s soccer game.

In Plano, Texas where we live, sports are a very big thing for young children. And despite my deepest knowing of who my child is and what activities bring him joy, when my husband enthusiastically presented the idea of our son joining a peewee soccer team I said, “Ok, if you take the lead.” But that didn’t happen. Late nights at work, working on the weekends, and missed practices meant that the daddy-son bonding experience that I envisioned turned into a trial run as “soccer mom” for me. And I was absolutely no good at the role.

For one, the idea of rewarding children with candy, treats, and snacks (otherwise known as “incentives”) just did not work for me. Call me an idealist, but I thought the motivation to play should come from within. Second, I had a hard time convincing my child exactly why soccer would be fun for him. Honestly, he was more interested in tying his Thomas the Tank EngineTM trains onto the goal net. Third, my son was completely confused by the notion of chasing people to take something away from them (what about sharing?) and I was at a loss for how to sell the game and the idea of “competition” to a 3-year-old. This improved somewhat during practices when the coach created engaging games like “sharks and minnows,” but during the actual games, there was just no way that my son was going to get his body in the way of some other child (who, by the way wasn’t a shark OR a minnow) with the explicit goal of taking something away.

Those two soccer seasons were filled with challenging times and a few good laughs, yet for a variety of reasons, I couldn’t seem to let go. In READY Method language, I read and Responded to my son’s signals but I failed to Yield. I have little sense of how my son recalls his first soccer experience but for me, it was a growth opportunity to say the least. You can imagine my relief when my son decided to forgo soccer the next season. I stopped thinking about divorce. And our family had our weekends free.

Now, two years later, my son’s interest in playing sports is 100% his own. In fact, it was his idea to join an after-school sports program. Amazing Athletes with Coach Travis has become the highlight of his week. No encouragement, praise, bribing, cajoling, or pep talks needed from me. What a difference a few years and intrinsic motivation make.

When I discovered Dr. Omli’s poster at the research conference in April, I was intrigued to find that someone was actually conducting research on parents’ and coaches’ behaviors and the impact they have on children who play sports. The goal of the Kids Speak project was to understand what 7-14-year-old children really want and need from their parents and coaches.

Dr. Omli described 3 different kinds of parenting approaches evident during kids’ sporting events – Hostile-Intrusive, Supportive, and Distracted. These dimensions are remarkably similar to the dimensions we have found in our own research on parent-child interaction. We have described hostile-intrusive, warm-supportive, and detached or disengaged patterns (much like the distracted style Dr. Omli noted.) Apparently, these “styles” apply to parents’ behaviors during sporting events as well. In Dr. Omli’s work, Distracted parents talked on their cell phones, read magazines, or talked to other parents. In other words, they weren’t focused on their child or the game. Sound familiar? How would you describe your own parenting approach?

Here are the Top 10 Things Kids Want Parents to Do at Youth Sport Events:

1. Go to their games and watch them play.
2. Tell them that they did a good job.
3. Clap after their team does something good.
4. Encourage them after the game if their team lost.
5. Encourage them while they are playing.
6. Control their own emotions.
7. Say “good try” if they make a mistake.
8. Bring treats for them and their teammates.
9. Take pictures or video of the game while they play.
10. Compliment the umpire or referee if they make a good call.

Top 15 Things Kids DO NOT Want Parent to do at Youth Sports Events:

1. Tell them to break the rules.
2. Swear or say “bad words” loud enough for them to hear.
3. Say mean things to the other team.
4. Yell at them if they make a mistake.
5. Argue with parents from the other team.
6. Walk onto the field during the game.
7. Get angry if their team is losing.
8. Tell the coach what to do.
9. Complain if the other team is ahead by too much.
10. Blame a game their team lost on the umpire or referee.
11. Yell at the referee or umpire if they make a bad call.
12. Say “oh come on, you can do better than that!”
13. Whistle at them to get their attention.
14. Read a newspaper or magazine during the game.
15. Wave at them to get their attention during the game.

In summary, Dr. Omli points out the children prefer their parents to play the role of “supportive parents” rather than “demanding coaches” and “crazed fans.” So the next time you are watching a little league game, focus on supporting your child rather than demanding perfection or going overboard with your energy and enthusiasm. Perhaps, then, you too can avert the “nervous breakdown broken into innings” that Earl Wilson so poignantly described.

And although the focus in this week’s blog is on parents’ behaviors, Dr. Omli (who just so happens to have two nieces and a nephew who live in Plano) also described different patterns of coaches’ behavior including insensitive, supportive, fun, intrusive, and competent. How would you describe your child’s coach?

Most important things kids want coaches to do? Be nice to their teammates and know a lot about the sport they coach. What should coaches not do? Swear or use “bad language” when talking to them, tease, make fun, or get mad at them. In other words: Know the game. And play nice.

Now play ball!

To learn more about the Kids Speak project and Dr. Omli, please visit:

http://www.cehd.umn.edu/TuckerCenter/personnel/omlix001.html